Does it make “cents” to follow your dreams?

My six years in Los Angeles (2006–2012) were, by far, the most challenging six years of my life. After being fired as a professor of music at the University of Arkansas, I moved to Los Angeles, California, to become an actor, or die trying.

Shipmates, it is hard to describe the amount of despair I lived with during my time there. And for all intents and purposes, I believe most people would see my six years as a bust.

There I was in Los Angeles…. Fresh off the boat, as it were:

*I arrived there with $286.00 in my pocket.

*I missed my kids who were still in Arkansas.

*I was in the middle of a divorce.

*I hated myself.

*I was a raging alcoholic.

*I was a 150 pound overweight black burro of a person, in a town packed to the brim with the most beautiful humans on Earth. More beautiful than the Greeks.

I felt I slightly out of my league. So, I got to work!

I have never worked so unrelentingly hard for so many hours for so many years straight.

• 20 hour workdays were a regular thing.
• I went from one casting workshop to an audition, to an acting class I could not afford, to another workshop, to UCB improv classes, to another casting work shop, to an acting showcase, to another acting class, to the next performing opportunity.

Rinse. Repeat. Over and Over again.

And when I wasn’t auditioning, I was:

+ Ushering over 300 shows at the Los Angeles Music Center,

+ Driving 250 guest artists around for the Los Angeles Philharmonic,

+ Working 50+ hours a week for the CalPhil,

+ Managing Brookmore Apartments. (An apartment complex that was DEFINITELY HAUNTED!)

AND, I also volunteered for not one but TWO really tough theater (no pay) internships, which regularly had me arriving as early as 7am and leaving as late as 4am.

1. Theatricum Botanicum was a six-month internship, which I loved.
2. A Noise Within, which was a five-month internship where they treated the interns like warmed over cat shit. But, the big positive with ANW was I got to work with my idol, composer David O.

And as for Kabin accommodations from 2006–2012:

• I slept in my car for 3 months.
• I lived in a tweaker (Retan) hotel for 3 months.
• I lived in a SRO (Sogo Hotel) for almost 2 years.
• I lived in a nice apartment (Brookmore Apartments) for 1 year.
• I slept on couch in the valley for a year.
• I was in an alcohol rehab (Chandler Lodge) facility for a year.
• I slept at various sultry locations too loathsome to mention for 6 months.

So, I ask myself: “Kabin…. Was it worth it?”

Well, out of about 200 auditions:

1. I had bit parts on 2 national TV shows.
2. I took part in 4 reality tv shows.
3. I was an extra for 6 other shows,
4. I was in 4 student films,
5. I was in 2 big budget movies,
6. I was in 10 small commercials,
7. I was in 4 national commercials.
8. I was in about 20 (unpaid) plays.
9. I never made more than $24,000 in a year during my entire stay there. Imagine that!
10. I got to live in Abu Dhabi for a year as a game show host. (During Year Seven 2012–2013) Which was directly related to the Theatricum Botanicum Internship.

That’s All, Folks! That was my six year contribution to the Hollywood scene.

I did qualify for AEA and SAG/AFTRA during that time, but when I look at the amount of sacrifice….. No one would say I painted the town red as an actor. (Not even pink….)

Still…. As tough as it was, it was one of the most exciting times I have lived, and will probably ever live.

I chased my dream.

And I got my b#lls crushed and my @ss handed to me, but I loved just about every second.

Why?

I lived every day with my “Hope” meter pegged at 100%.

• Even when there was no hope to be found.
• Even when I got mugged and got my ass beaten and robbed.
• Even when I got zip-tied by the cops, more than once.
• Even when I had a Glock-9 pointed in my face at 6am.

My “Hope” meter stayed pegged at 100% through it all. I was pursuing something I loved doing. I felt alive. I felt could breathe. And every little success was something to cheer about.

I went to bed and woke up with hope in my heart, and the knowledge that today could be the day when my life changed forever.

I lived this hope every day.

• Even when I was sad.
• Even when I was sick as hell.
• Even when I was drunk and crying.
• Even when I was sober.

Because no one told me that chasing your dream of being a performing artist in the most competitive, yet capricious industry, in one of the most competitive, yet capricious cities in the world, would be easy.

And I learned Three important lessons:

1. The hottest fires make the strongest steel.
2. Everyone who wants to live their dreams is going to have go through that crucible….. eventually.
3. You have to remain strong, as Hollywood is not for the weak. It will just poop you out and will not think of you again. And as you lay there, in the gutter, in your own filth and wretchedness, the Meter Maid will place a ticket on you, and drive away.

So, as long as I kept digging through all the h*rse$4!t of flakey friends, unscrupulous casting agents who saw you only as chattel, unscrupulous trust-fund 99-seat theatre owners who only saw you as a wallet, high-rents, high taxes, and just a lot of high-people, I stayed in hope there was a pony in there somewhere.

And I really got my @ss kicked hard.

But I took it like the fat ninja warrior that I am.

So, Kabin, was it worth it?

My answer comes down to this……… If you are going to get your @ss kicked anyway, as life itself is damned hard, you might as well do it while chasing your dream.

YES, it was worth it, shipmates.

OF COURSE IT WAS WORTH IT!

F*%k YES, it was totally and completely worth it!

And let me ask you…..

Even at my advancing years…. with my broke back and my high blood pressure, and being even fatter today than I was in 2006, do you think would I try it again?

What do you think? :-)

#HoldOnTightToYourDreams